Finding Color in the Gray

photo from Flickr, posted by Horia Varlan

When we envision or hope for God to do something in our lives, we picture what should better be called “magic.” We trust Him to wave his magic wand, and – poof! – things are no longer as they were. What once was is no longer, or what once wasn’t, all of a sudden is. A path suddenly clears for us. A tumour disappears. Negative feelings are instantaneously replaced with positive. Sometimes God works His “magic,” and that is what we like to call a miracle. And it really is.

But most of the time, God’s miracles look more like chemistry. In order for something to be changed in chemistry, there is a process. Things are combined and stirred up. Heat is applied. There is often a waiting period. And the most exciting ones (according to my bio-chemistry major husband) involve explosions. There has to be some kind of reaction for change to happen.

If we think about it, chemistry is just as awe-inspiring as magic. We have to wait for it to happen, but we can see the process as it unfolds. Amidst the stirring and the heating and the explosions, change is taking place at the molecular level. It’s not simply an illusion – we know for certain that it’s real.

This kind of God-activity in our lives should also be called a miracle, as it is the most common way God works in our lives. It is a miracle that He would even love us enough to want to.

I’ve always liked the look of shabby chic. The quaint coziness of it, worn-looking furniture, beadboard, lighter colours. While I like the clean lines of the modern look, cottage is more my style.

We’ve been married eleven and a half years, and much of our stuff is getting worn. I remember when we first got married, we had three 9×11 Pyrex pans and three 9×9 ones. We had duplicates in other things too. I held on to many of the duplicates, but I couldn’t justify keeping three blenders. However, after moving to seven homes and bringing four kids into the world, we’re down to one 9×11 Pyrex pan, and our blender doesn’t work as well as it originally did. Our stuff is getting worn out.

But I’m a sentimental kind of gal. Whenever I pull out my waffle iron, I think of Jennifer who gave it to us. I always think of the Rydins when I mix or serve something in my favourite mixing bowls. When I use the blender that’s still toughing it out to make smoothies, I can’t quite remember who gave it to me, but I do remember that we got three, and I almost always chuckle to myself.

Our furniture is in worse shape than our kitchen tools. Our kitchen table is only four years old, but already it is full of memories. Every time I wipe down the chairs, I rub over some deep gouges in the seats, remembering how they got there. I flash back to the summer Jeremiah spent with screws in his leg and how proud of him I was for his optimism and bravery. On some of the chairs, the finish was worn off by the booster seats two of our kids used. For some reason, the scars on my stuff keeps me connected to my past, even though time is whizzing by.

I am the same way when I visit my parents’ house. My mom still keeps her sugar in the same big Tupperware container she did  when I was a teenager. It’s tea-stained because when I was even younger, she used it for iced tea (California-style!). I wish she still had what I call her “potato salad bowl,” a big yellow glass bowl with white inside. It’s worth a lot of money now, but I would just want to use it for memory’s sake.

Most of my stuff cannot yet be considered vintage or retro, just outdated. But I can’t get rid of it. It’s my physical connection to my emotional and spiritual treasures. So give me about twenty more years or so, and it will be cool again…because it will be considered shabby chic.

Okay, so I will my humble myself and admit to you that our home has not been cleaned since November 7. That’s not to say the dishes haven’t been washed, the laundry put away, or the clutter controlled. And when you have a dog, it’s amazing how “clean” your floors can seem.

Until November 7, our family had been doing what we call “Pocket Chores.” It’s a system my friend passed on to me. She’s a mom of five, and each Saturday morning, they are able to clean their entire home, from bathrooms to baseboards to the outdoor grill, in two and a half hours. We don’t accomplish quite as much in a morning because her kids are mostly teenagers, her youngest being eleven, and our oldest is only ten. But we’re still able to get a lot done, and it’s made it possible for me to take care of other important tasks during the week without stressing about house cleaning.

The system worked really, really well for us three weeks in a row. Even the kids most reluctant to help out worked really hard with very little complaining.

But then Elia’s birthday party happened. And dinner theatre rehearsals. And a much-needed mini-vacation. I feel like I’ve been working like crazy to take care of the next urgent thing. Cleaning has not been a priority, and you can tell by the bits of hair, water spots, and orange-y puddles accumulating on our bathroom sink. Disgusting.

When we do finally get this house clean again, it will be such a satisfying feeling because the transformation will be so dramatic. I guess that’s the upside to not cleaning for so long! The difference is much more noticeable! My favourite part will be seeing how proud my kids are of their hard work and contribution to our family home.

Just a few days ago, Jeremiah said, “Mom, we haven’t done our pocket chores in a long time.” He actually sounded like he wanted to clean again. A good sign. And so, tomorrow morning we’ll let the kids sleep in and recover from their roles in tonight’s “A Christmas Carol” production. But after breakfast, we’ll crank up the Christmas tunes and make this house sparkle, glisten, glimmer, and shimmer – just in time for Advent to begin on Sunday.

This is the concluding post of a series I began four days ago against the background of Mark Batterson’s Wild Goose Chase. I shared the story of Sabrina, who walked away from a familiar job opportunity to pursue a new career. I told readers about Christie, who in recent years has become a doula, and while looking for training opportunities, came upon an exciting chance to intern in the Philippines. And I also wrote about Lisa who is now speaking out for girls in Bangkok who want out of their sex trade profession, but have nowhere to go.

These aren’t the only women who’ve inspired me in recent years:

• Carrie, mom of two, is one of the most gentle and compassionate people I’ve ever met, and I know her patients have the best nurse ever.
• Sue, an acquaintance from Bethany, is juggling motherhood of three, a church plant with her husband, and a job at a preschool. Yet she is still taking the time to pursue her dream of writing.  Her first book, All I Need Is Jesus and a Good Pair of Jeans, has been a hit. Her second book, My Bangs Look Good and Other Lies I Tell Myself, will be released in March.
• Kim has accepted the invitation of her two daughters’ principal to go as a parent representative to an EQAO (grade three testing) conference in Toronto this week.
• Jenny, a mom of four, has been on a crazy journey over the past year and a half in order to see her husband’s God-given dreams fulfilled. In her Chase, she has had to let go of some things that were important to her, but it also given her new experiences, including special, new friends in Minnesota and learning how to create mixed-media art.

Ten years ago, I put other dreams on the back burner to pursue my ultimate dream: being a mother. I had lived a pretty full life until the time Jeremiah was born.

• I earned my BA from Bethany College (now Bethany University);
• I led a Bible club for children of Mexican farm workers;
• I went to language school in Costa Rica for three months;
• I dated enough boys to know that Henry is The One;
• I completed a children’s ministry internship and developed an outreach ministry;
• I had many administrative jobs that taught me many, many skills;
• I worked at ARC and at an auction;
• I worked at a Christian school as a secretary and also got to teach jr. high Spanish elective;
• I was a children’s pastor/church secretary for two years;
• I went on missions trips – Mexico at least 5 times, Costa Rica, and El Salvador;
• I went to Brooklyn and NYC;
• I had my own apartment;
• I wrote a Bible study;
• I performed a funeral service;
• I delivered several sermons and shared my testimony with a very large crowd.

While a lot of these things aren’t particularily unique, I feel like I had a very rich life before 1999. However, just a couple of years before Jeremiah was born, I remember telling God, “I want to focus on being more than doing. I want to develop who I am, rather than what I do.”

Motherhood has certainly given me lots of opportunity to see myself for who I really am and to, hopefully, develop my character. Thus far, it has been the most challenging thing ever, not on a task level, but on a relational level. Before I had children, I rarely lost my temper. Henry and I only had to give attention to each other. The fatigue began during pregnancy #1, and it hasn’t let up much. And yet I still have to be kind, loving, patient, and gentle. God has obviously answered my prayer for the opportunity to focus on my character!

“Not that I have already attained all this” (to quote the Apostle Paul), but now that my youngest is two, I’m beginning to dream again. But for me, it’s not just a matter of pulling things off the proverbial back burner to start working on them again. I think my dreams have changed. Somewhere in the decade between twenty-seven and thirty-seven, I changed, and as a result, I’m not sure I want the same things I wanted back then. I know myself better; I have a better idea of what I want out of life and what I’m good at.

I think that’s why I initially interpreted my feelings about my friends’ stories as jealousy. To be honest, Idon’t really know what I want to do anymore. I don’t have a clear picture of my goal. I know what I like to do, but I have no idea how those things could ever become a career. I wish I could articulate what I want to do so I could develop a plan.

“The voice we should listen to most as we choose a vocation is the voice that we might think we should listen to least, and that is the voice of our own gladness. What can we do that makes us the gladdest? I believe that if it is a thing that makes us truly glad, then it is a good thing and it is our thing.” – Frederick Buechner, The Hungering Dark

Instead, I’ve been journaling a lot more and reading what I’ve written in the past. I’m trying to notice what brings me joy and satisfaction (besides crossing something off my to-do list!) I’ve been able to weed through some of it, and that makes me excited. I may not be able to tell you what I want to be when I grow up, but I can tell you a few more things I want to do with my life. That in itself has recently given me a new sense of purpose.

While reading my journal, I was reminded of something I’d read on page 75 of Bruce Wilkinson’s The Dream Giver. After Wilkinson told an African villager, “No one else can do your dream,” the man replied, “That’s wonderful news! That means I can stop wishing I were someone else!”

I’m not actually jealous of all my daring, risk-taking friends; I’m inspired to discover the dream that only I can do.

Against the background of Mark Batterson’s Wild Goose Chase, I have been sharing stories from mom-friends who have been leaving the familiar to pursue their dreams. I began with a book summary,  followed by Sabrina’s story, then Christie’s story. Today’s post is the third story I heard in just five days’ time.

Lisa has three children. While she has training in social work and experience in junior high ministry, she has always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. She also has a small photography business, but that is more on the side as her husband makes enough money for her to stay home. Over the past year, she has shared with me how frustrated she’s been. She’s been dissatisfied on so many levels, from her kids’ behavior to money to work schedules, but mostly with just plain life.

A couple of months ago, she was watching a message online from Lifechurch.tv. Pastor Craig Groeschel had a guest speaker that day, a woman who shared about what she was doing about human trafficking and sex trade in underdeveloped countries. Lisa’s heart broke over the plight of girls in those situations, and it made her realize how selfish she’d been, complaining about her good life. A deep passion in her began to grow, and she decided she had to do something. She researched for hours online, looking for a way she could get involved, and she learned about NightLight, a ministry that provides friendship, support and employment to sexually exploited women and children.

Here’s a blurb from their website:

“Through NightLight Design, women are making beautiful jewelry from silver, semi-precious stones, pearls and decorative beads. NightLight Design provides an economic alternative for women who previously had no hope of freedom from their circumstances. When you purchase these products you are securing the freedom of women who have been exploited or were at risk of exploitation in the bars of Bangkok, Thailand.”

After contacting the organization, Lisa developed her own version of one of those home parties where you buy cookware, makeup, candles, whatever. She has three parties already scheduled, at which she will present the plight of these women in Bangkok. She will collect jewellery orders and place them, keeping no money for herself whatsoever.

In addition to her time, Lisa also made a financial sacrifice to order a dvd and some product to display. She also had to put together a catalog of all the NightLight jewellery, but it would have cost her twenty dollars to print just one. So she stepped way out of her comfort zone and started asking printers here in town if they would be willing to donate their services. She was so encouraged when the first one, without flinching, donated four catalogs.

*If you would like to host a party for Lisa and you live in Thunder Bay, message me on the “About Me” page of this blog. I know for certain Lisa would love to give you the opportunity to help women in Bangkok.